No, Everything Was Not Illuminated

      In fact, nothing was illuminated, brightened, irradiated, or elucidated. I have finished Everything Is Illuminated (Jonathan Safran Foer). I was advised not to read this by a friend and against her advice, pursued it. I regret this. I'm no book reviewer and am quite fond of lists so here are my problems with Foer's novel.

1. I need to like the characters to like the book. As I said about Slaughterhouse-Five, Billy Pilgrim was not likable. In this book, the self-titled character Jonathan Safran Foer (see #2) is hardly a character at all. And I know what you'll say next: the book isn't about him! Okay, fine. I didn't particularly like Alex/Sasha/Shapka or his grandfather. As for the flashbacks, Yankel D was a bright light but it ends there. The (other) grandfather with the dead arm that slept around? First of all, he's 10 and he's sleeping with old women and that's a red flag. Second, why did the women find his dead arm so arousing? I guess I'm immature so I apologize for my shortsightedness. 
2. Foer, you couldn't think of another name for your character? Really? Even after all that bs you put me through with blank pages, flow charts, repeated phrases, and page-long ellipses (see #3)?
3. It's like you are trying to emulate Dave Eggers' A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius with the "more-than-words" approach to the book. It was successful in Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close but you missed the mark here. 
4. I don't think I could summarize this book. He tried to do too much here and  to connect to many strings and stories. 
5. With three percent left in the book (I read it on my Kindle) I came across a beautifully written passage (that I won't post as to not fool you) and read it out loud to my mom. It then occurred to me that this was the first time in the book where I had that feeling of needing to share the words with someone else, needing to share the beauty of the words. It shouldn't take ninety-six percent of a book to get there. 

Avoid, like the La Quinta in Charleston, at all costs.